Will juan spain disgraced king get7/23/2023 And now they greet you, they say, “Welcome to Starbucks. They know you’re going to order a beverage. They have a national training campaign to try to trick you into ordering food. Now… I’ll tell you, on a grand scale, who’s helping nobody lose weight is Starbucks. When you look in the mirror, do you say, ‘I fuckin’ hate you’? Then you’re not ready. “Give me a message to get this kick-started.” “I’ll give you a message. People are like, “You inspired me.” And I’m like, “Oh, I didn’t mean to.” People ask me like, “Will you coach me into weight loss?” -And I’m like, “Absolutely not.” - One guy hit me up like 50 times. But… You know what sucks? When you lose weight on a public platform like I did, you get… I get so many messages. Can you do this? I don’t fuckin’ think so. If you can do that, I can do that.” Probably not. Maybe… Maybe you’re out there right now and you’re thinking, like, “Hey, man. I lost about 50 pounds, and you know… Yeah. I beat him in this contest because I’m a better person, -but that’s not what I want to talk about. I was in a weight loss contest with the fattest man on Earth. Now… - Speaking of weight, I lost a decent amount of weight recently. Oh, yeah.” -Mm… - And we’ll all be 800 pounds. And you’ll go, bah! And you’ll shit through the bed. And then you’ll go, “Shit.” And the bed will open. How are you gonna change the world? That means in two years, we’re gonna be sitting in beds that sit up for us, and we’ll just go, “Food.” And then a mechanical arm will come out. I want to go from here to…” -Mm… - Well, wakey-wakey, little turd. You’ve been sleeping for hours, and your first thought when you wake up is, “I don’t even want to sit up. You don’t have to sit up no more.” They try to advertise that it’s for snoring. And I guess the people are like, “It does suck!” And he goes, “Well, get this fuckin’ bed. There are endless commercials that air, where basically, a guy comes out and he’s like, “Doesn’t it suck to sit up?” Something like that. Now… - if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you haven’t been watching TV. Just hold up the same device and be like, “Hi.” “Bye.” And you saw everyone.īut the number-one indicator that we are not gonna leave our homes one day very soon are the number of commercials I see for beds that sit up for you. And… -I want an eagle’s beak.” -And then… - Amazon’s like, “It’s on your fuckin’ doorstep.” How about that? Isn’t that insane to you? You don’t have to leave your home to see people. ![]() You can sit on your couch, pull up your phone, and if you want to, just be like, “I want bananas. Like, number one, do you ever really process that you don’t have to leave your home to buy anything? You’re like, “Yeah, I order some things online.” No, no, no. There… There are a lot of indicators if you’re paying attention. ![]() And I’m pretty fuckin’ excited about it. Luckily for all of us, I think we are five years away from never leaving our homes again. ![]() The meaning of life is, “Fuck this place. Like, people are always philosophizing, “What is the meaning of life?” I’ll tell you the meaning of life. I think you’re like, “I hope this is good,” but also, “Wrap this shit up so I can go home.” I actually think that’s the meaning of life. I’m like, “Well, I wish I was home right now.” -Uh… I think it’s your thought too. That is literally my first thought whenever I walk into any room. Transcript of Tom Segura’s new Netflix Special Ball Hog (2020) now available here įilmed at the Paramount Theatre in Denver
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